Learning Outcome #4: Peer Review
This essay, when broken down, has a really strong core, it had some structure and followed the claim quote explanation process. However, there was a lot of repetition and overall it needed to go deeper into the topic of social media and communication. First off, I didn’t see an immediate thesis statement but it was implied throughout the essay. It was noticeable that the argument was about online communication and how that’s developed with the advancements of technology. But there was a lot of generalization in the introduction statement and I felt like the whole piece was sitting on the surface of the problem. Beginning improvements could be made by avoiding the repetition of the word distraction and adding an explanation as to what is online, what is the distraction? This elaboration could lead to an explanation as to why we can’t focus when we turn off our devices, digging deeper into the concept of online communication. I also suggested describing the physical, emotional, and mental outcomes of media to strengthen the second paragraph. A quote used here discusses how media is built around weak ties to which I sought some elaboration. What is a weak tie and how does that affect human outcomes? Later on, the essay talks about arguing and how people think it’s the only way to get our point across. The analysis of this quote has the potential to be really strong, it just needs a deeper explanation to it. Then in the third paragraph, the statements needed to be organized, I felt like it was all over the place. In the last sentence of this piece, it talks about how people aren’t willing to make sacrifices for the topics they support like they used to. From sit-ins to days-long protests what aspects of life have changed? Why are we less provoked to speak out and support what matters to us? I wanted to read about the bigger picture of communication on the internet and I felt like a lot was missing because of the repetition. Through peer review, I went through this paper and my comments thoroughly in hopes of improvement. Although I provided a lot of criticism I also tried to give written and verbal suggestions that could provoke thought as to what could be added to make this piece stronger, clearer and deeper.
